Shell Shocked Part 2

Needless to say I was grounded… A LOT. I knew every square centimeter of the inside of my room. Every crack in the wall, spot on the ceiling, and stain on the carpet.

I guess it felt good to be bad, and I didn’t understand why I was being punished when I was doing something that made me and others happy.

Ok Erik, where the hell are you going with this?

Well this makes me think about a few things.

The first thing is the teachers. They disciplined me the same way as they would someone who was failing out of school. They weren’t able to think outside the box, to get creative in teaching me to apply my energy in a positive way, and in a way that would have benefited both of us.

I see my scenario as a microcosm for a lot of the problems with Education in the US today. Education needs to be more personal. Lesson plans and teaching methods fluid. Every child is a unique and beautiful snowflake. Sorry Mr. Durden.

Maybe I was just a little jerk asshole, but I don’t remember it that way. In any event, I don’t hold any grudges, I made out alright. I’m doing very well for myself.

I know there is a lot more to it, but this is just my mixed objective/subjective opinion. This post isn’t an in-depth review of the current state of US Education anyway.

The second thing is the effect that getting in trouble had on me.

At first I wasn’t afraid of getting in trouble, and acted out even more. Eventually you start to get in trouble so much and so bad that you can’t ignore the punishment.

In order to stay out of trouble I had to begin to self-police myself. I wanted to make so sure that I didn’t get into trouble that I crawled into my shell. I couldn’t figure out an acceptable level of clowniness (I just invented that word) for school and class so I just sent the pendulum entirely to the other side. I closed up.

So this closing up became such a large part of my life that it even crept into places where I didn’t need to be reserved. Even general interactions with people.

Only in the last few years have I started to open up. I came to the conclusion that my subconscious was already policing me, and that I didn’t need to add my conscious to the task force. There was no need to double analyze.

I am comfortable with this for a few reasons. In general I think I’m a good person, and I think most people that know me would say that and perhaps more about me. I also know that I never set out to intentionally hurt someone. If I do truly hurt someone I possess the ability to offer a heart felt apology.

I’m starting to ramble on, but this post is partly putting into words some thoughts I have had recently, and also explaining where all my photography, writing, and general energy is coming from.

It’s quite liberating, letting go and being yourself. Try it sometime.

An interesting side note is to think about what would have been if a teacher pulled me aside and helped me channel my energy into an activity, sport, or other talent.

Thankfully I’m doing that now.

“Every second that passes is another chance to turn things around.”